The Truest Loneliness

I’m convinced. That the truest loneliness. Is not assembled via repetitive experiences of being in the absence of another. The tables for one, the late nights scrolling, no one else’s pupils dilating in response to yours. No.

The truest loneliness comes from internal disconnection—not external isolation. From the walls we construct WITHIN to keep ourselves from our truth, our feelings, our pain.

They work too. Cut us off. Serve as memory guards. Holders of unfinished business. Fencing off life realities we don’t like so we never have to look ‘em straight in the eye. Yet, these walls alienate us from an embodied experience of ourselves...barricading us from what we so desperately long for—a felt and steady sense of OUR OWN PRESENCE.

We confuse the ache for self contact with the longing for other. We search and distract. Fill social calendars and yet still feel so alone. The thing is, as long as you are actively engaging in internal neglect you can expect pervasive loneliness to haunt you.

This ties to one of the most important realities we have to swallow. That no one else is ever going to come do the job of loving you the way you can. No one else can ever truly promise not to leave like you can. Like it or not, you. You are the one.

If you didn’t get the love you needed growing up you may esp. feel an internal protest when you hear the ole “love yourself first” bit. I don’t want to be the one. I want them. Anyone. I can’t be trusted. It doesn’t feel good coming from me. I don’t know how.

I get it. But you do know how. As at its core self love is the cumulative result of the practice of PAYING ATTENTION TO YOURSELF. You do it all the time with all the other things. Stay attuned to what your plants, pets, partners need. Now it’s time to practice both presence and loving responding w/ all parts of YOU. Turn that attention around. Actively grieve what you never had. Release it from your bones to make space in your heart. Rage for your unmet needs. Cry for the times you so tenderly wanted to be seen. Radically accept you gotta be the one to take it from here and bring it all the way home. Start now. Hand on heart. Ask. Listen. Respond w/ care. Repeat.


Anna Roth